What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
