wanna go halves on a baby?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
