I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You're like the curious george of whores
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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