do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i need some magic done to my vagina
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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