How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
