I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
