I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
