my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The beer is more important than you right now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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