you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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