it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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