you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
