I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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