stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
