Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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