Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
