If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Its about making memories worth repressing
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
