Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
