mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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