nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
