someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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