LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
