then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
