Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
