He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
