a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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