Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
