I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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