Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
