nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
even my farts smell like vagina
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
