Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
