You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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