i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
