when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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