Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
