Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
