If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
