I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize