Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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