Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
