What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
