Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
