oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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