I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
