Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When are your genitals available?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
