He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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