She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
