My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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