Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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