I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
