but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
