she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
