life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
