Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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