its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
